Thursday, June 7, 2012

Trust + Faith

OK so apparently there's some planetary crap going on that's skewing everything. I dunno and am too lazy to research it right now.  I know that last week I was just exhausted all week, and this week had dipped into what resembled a minor depression. {i.e., unable/unwilling to shower or get out of bed.}
Yesterday I had to absolutely FORCE myself to write and it felt like torture.  I hated every minute of it.  Which is completely unusual for me. I could NOT stay focused. 
This morning I "overslept" again (8am) (dang puppy wouldn't stay out of the bed and it was HOT and since I'd also napped a lot yesterday...) but I woke up wanting like hell to work out. 
I did a quick FB check in and then rode my bike to the gym.  All the treadmills were being used so I used an elliptical for 15 minutes (wow, kicked my ass!) and then was able to secure a treadmill...3.7 miles in an hour.  I've lost some distance. :-(
But this is what I was thinking! Always thinking! I have INSISTED on living a "different" kind of life.  I don't know how I came by this mindset, except that I was completely unguided as a child so I just made up my own way of thinking and living. You all know, I value people, experiences, art, music, etc. And the life I lead tends to reflect that. (Just this morning my own mother called me "eccentric"! Really?)
So when I try to force myself to do something, I resist, by sleeping or sabotaging. I've reached a point in my life where I can differentiate between doing what feels good (hedonism) and doing what feels right (listening to God). For whatever reason, I need to work out. A lot. Hard. This is the way to make my life work well. I trust that the writing will come when it's supposed to, that a fit body will support the creation of the book.  I have to pay attention to my intuition--it speaks to me for a reason.  This is faith.
So I don't need to know or worry about knowing where things are headed; right now, I need to work out.
Cardio is done for the day, now on to weights.

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