Monday, August 27, 2012

after a hiatus

So in 5 minutes I'm off on my bike to the chiro. I really like my chiropractor especially because not being able to exercise was getting to be a major drag. I was feeling fat and crabby. No one ever wants to feel like that, or be around me when I do. Of course, my boy was here for 3 weeks this summer. That kind of threw me off my game; when he is here I am only a satellite to the planet Cameron...all my own stuff gets forgotten and left behind.
The chiropractor showed me photos and x-rays she had taken of me. Of course I went wandering down dark tunnels wondering how I'd gotten the injuries that my x-rays indicate. But never mind. She also showed me clothed photos she'd taken to assess my symmetry.

I'm pretty sad to see how awfully out of shape I look.

Of course that got me thinking too: about not feeling safe in general and needing to be fat in order to feel safe. About food being a substitute for human touch. That eating triggers the same pleasure centers in the brain that sex does (and no, it's not as simple as just having an orgasm). I just read this morning in Science of Mind magazine that unused creative energy can cause anxiety which can then trigger hunger. Makes sense.

But what of all of that? I can't change my husband. I can do more to "create" stuff~~I've always had a lot of creative energy. But pondering why is not the same as changing my habits and getting better and being better and feeling better. I can't allow myself to sit around wallowing in self-pity.