after a hiatus

So in 5 minutes I'm off on my bike to the chiro. I really like my chiropractor especially because not being able to exercise was getting to be a major drag. I was feeling fat and crabby. No one ever wants to feel like that, or be around me when I do. Of course, my boy was here for 3 weeks this summer. That kind of threw me off my game; when he is here I am only a satellite to the planet Cameron...all my own stuff gets forgotten and left behind.

The chiropractor showed me photos and x-rays she had taken of me. Of course I went wandering down dark tunnels wondering how I'd gotten the injuries that my x-rays indicate. But never mind. She also showed me clothed photos she'd taken to assess my symmetry.

I'm pretty sad to see how awfully out of shape I look.

Of course that got me thinking too: about not feeling safe in general and needing to be fat in order to feel safe. About food being a substitute for human touch. That eating triggers the same pleasure centers in the brain that sex does (and no, it's not as simple as just having an orgasm). I just read this morning in Science of Mind magazine that unused creative energy can cause anxiety which can then trigger hunger. Makes sense.

But what of all of that? I can't change my husband. I can do more to "create" stuff~~I've always had a lot of creative energy. But pondering why is not the same as changing my habits and getting better and being better and feeling better. I can't allow myself to sit around wallowing in self-pity.

Awesome run today.  I felt strong and I felt like I could just run and run and run.  I am also out of cigarettes. :-(
I don't really know what else to say. It feels like a constant juggling act to arrange workout, writing and social times...and I'm barely working. I don't know how people manage much else. I think I need to keep exercise as a supplementary part of my life, and not allow it to become my WHOLE life, which I totally could do, since I do love working out so much.

Gym this morning: 2 miles in 28 min; 3.1 in 45 (that'll be my time to beat tomorrow in the 5k at Pine Hills); 4.1 miles in 58 min. Now weights. Can you all just IMAGINE how much I must be eating, to exercise this much and STILL NOT BE LOSING ANY WEIGHT???
There was also 8 min on the elliptical waiting for the treadmill, and 60 minutes of weights after the treadmill. :-) Regardless of the scale, I love to feel strong and energetic. When I am exercising, I feel like I could go FOREVER and I have the sense then that ANYTHING is possible.

well today I got to wear a skirt that I really love.  Typically this skirt cannot be zipped all the way up and even partially unzipped I have, in the past, had the sense of being chopped in half by the waistband. Or by the collision of fat and limited fabric. Anyway, today I was able to zip it all the way up with no problem.  So even with no change on the scale, and I thought no change in the way my clothing fits, apparently there is SOME change happening.  :-)

Exercise feels like it's about more than "getting in shape," for me.
It seems to be about taking ownership of my body,
learning to be comfortable in my skin,
developing respect for these bones and muscles
and miracles that keep me moving every day,
and finally,
loving the vessel that creates this human experience.
What I feel most often, now, when I consider my body
ashamed and embarassed. THAT needs to change. <3

"The body has so much to teach us. It is the first book of life. It reveals the secrets of life. If you can tune into the body, you won’t have to learn the laws of health, or harmony, or love, or peace anywhere else. Your body will dictate it to you every time."

Yogi Amrit Desai

Trust + Faith

OK so apparently there's some planetary crap going on that's skewing everything. I dunno and am too lazy to research it right now.  I know that last week I was just exhausted all week, and this week had dipped into what resembled a minor depression. {i.e., unable/unwilling to shower or get out of bed.}
Yesterday I had to absolutely FORCE myself to write and it felt like torture.  I hated every minute of it.  Which is completely unusual for me. I could NOT stay focused. 
This morning I "overslept" again (8am) (dang puppy wouldn't stay out of the bed and it was HOT and since I'd also napped a lot yesterday...) but I woke up wanting like hell to work out. 
I did a quick FB check in and then rode my bike to the gym.  All the treadmills were being used so I used an elliptical for 15 minutes (wow, kicked my ass!) and then was able to secure a treadmill...3.7 miles in an hour.  I've lost some distance. :-(
But this is what I was thinking! Always thinking! I have INSISTED on living a "different" kind of life.  I don't know how I came by this mindset, except that I was completely unguided as a child so I just made up my own way of thinking and living. You all know, I value people, experiences, art, music, etc. And the life I lead tends to reflect that. (Just this morning my own mother called me "eccentric"! Really?)
So when I try to force myself to do something, I resist, by sleeping or sabotaging. I've reached a point in my life where I can differentiate between doing what feels good (hedonism) and doing what feels right (listening to God). For whatever reason, I need to work out. A lot. Hard. This is the way to make my life work well. I trust that the writing will come when it's supposed to, that a fit body will support the creation of the book.  I have to pay attention to my intuition--it speaks to me for a reason.  This is faith.
So I don't need to know or worry about knowing where things are headed; right now, I need to work out.
Cardio is done for the day, now on to weights.

Woke up early this morning.
In the dungeon I couldn't see the sun but I knew it was up so that's motivation enough to start my day.
I soon as I saw sunlight I was ready to be on the move.

I lifted weights, focused mostly on arms and abs since I can barely walk after all those squats the other day.=)
& I power walked the perimeter of the neighborhood.
All in all, again took about an hour.

Perfect timing to now get ready for work.

Also, not on the subject of fitness but I'm absolutely loving my evening, summer session class. Even though the damn things lasts nearly four hours.
Astronomy. <3.